1
00:00:01,935 --> 00:00:03,537
Welcome to
the Williamsburg Diner.

2
00:00:03,571 --> 00:00:06,407
Your lifespan
just decreased by one meal.

3
00:00:07,575 --> 00:00:09,777
[dramatic music]

4
00:00:09,810 --> 00:00:11,445
*

5
00:00:11,479 --> 00:00:14,582
Would you like to order now or
after that galaxy is destroyed?

6
00:00:14,615 --> 00:00:16,817
[glass shattering]

7
00:00:16,850 --> 00:00:18,686
Oh, dude, I can hold up
one finger, too,

8
00:00:18,719 --> 00:00:21,021
and trust me;
it won't be that one.

9
00:00:22,290 --> 00:00:23,791
Booth one is all yours.

10
00:00:23,824 --> 00:00:25,326
If I wanted to deal
with a guy

11
00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:27,095
who won't even
acknowledge my existence,

12
00:00:27,128 --> 00:00:29,130
I'd track down
my father.

13
00:00:29,163 --> 00:00:31,832
(man)
Makeup needs to complement
the personality.

14
00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:33,767
Sorry,
I wasn't listening.

15
00:00:33,801 --> 00:00:37,571
Mr. Eye Queen's about to show me
how to pluck my eyebrows.

16
00:00:37,605 --> 00:00:39,207
Finally.

17
00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:41,442
I've been telling you for a year
you need to get plucked.

18
00:00:43,411 --> 00:00:44,078
[bell dings]

19
00:00:44,112 --> 00:00:46,114
Pick up.
Fried egg over easy.

20
00:00:46,147 --> 00:00:47,248
[woman moaning]

21
00:00:47,281 --> 00:00:50,118
Correction:
make that over hard.

22
00:00:51,319 --> 00:00:52,486
Max,
that's Earl's order.

23
00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:53,187
Can you?

24
00:00:53,221 --> 00:00:55,156
You know, I could just check out

25
00:00:55,189 --> 00:00:56,657
and phone in
this job, too,

26
00:00:56,690 --> 00:00:58,159
but I promised myself

27
00:00:58,192 --> 00:01:00,328
I'd never grow up
to be my gynecologist.

28
00:01:01,462 --> 00:01:03,297
Earl, I know
you remember a time

29
00:01:03,331 --> 00:01:04,665
where people
still made eye contact

30
00:01:04,698 --> 00:01:07,601
and get the fact
that I was totally dissing them.

31
00:01:07,635 --> 00:01:09,470
It's a damn shame, Max.

32
00:01:09,503 --> 00:01:10,504
Thank you, Earl.

33
00:01:10,538 --> 00:01:14,242
The Mets are down
in the bottom of the sixth.

34
00:01:14,275 --> 00:01:15,776
Now you have one?

35
00:01:15,809 --> 00:01:17,178
Earl,
three months ago,

36
00:01:17,211 --> 00:01:19,447
you thought T-Mobile
was a rapper.

37
00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:24,852
Max,
I want to talk to you.

38
00:01:24,885 --> 00:01:25,853
Well, why not?

39
00:01:25,886 --> 00:01:27,288
Everyone else is listening

40
00:01:27,321 --> 00:01:29,257
to something tiny
and made in Asia.

41
00:01:31,359 --> 00:01:33,361
I just heard the funniest joke.

42
00:01:33,394 --> 00:01:36,897
A guy is driving a car up a hill
and he sees a pig in the road.

43
00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:38,432
Wait.
Oh yes, I forgot.

44
00:01:38,466 --> 00:01:39,200
It's raining.

45
00:01:39,233 --> 00:01:40,801
It's raining,
and there is a pig.

46
00:01:40,834 --> 00:01:41,802
[jazzy music]

47
00:01:41,835 --> 00:01:43,204
I'm listening.

48
00:01:43,237 --> 00:01:44,472
And then the pig
is in the car--

49
00:01:44,505 --> 00:01:46,240
no, the pig
is in the road,

50
00:01:46,274 --> 00:01:48,409
and--I'll be right back.

51
00:01:49,910 --> 00:01:52,313
(Peter Bjorn and John)
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

52
00:01:52,346 --> 00:01:53,914
[cash register bell dings]

53
00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:59,287
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

54
00:02:03,524 --> 00:02:04,792
Thank you.
Come again.

55
00:02:04,825 --> 00:02:06,760
Hey, what do you want
to do after work tonight?

56
00:02:06,794 --> 00:02:09,397
Maybe we could go to
that trendy new ice cream place

57
00:02:09,430 --> 00:02:11,865
that only sells juice.

58
00:02:11,899 --> 00:02:13,267
Nah, I'm too tired.

59
00:02:13,301 --> 00:02:15,569
I've been on my feet
since 2003.

60
00:02:17,505 --> 00:02:21,409
Hi, can I get a red velvet--
oh, my God, Max Black?

61
00:02:21,442 --> 00:02:24,478
Oh, my God, Becky White?

62
00:02:26,514 --> 00:02:28,716
Holy crap.
How long has it been?

63
00:02:28,749 --> 00:02:31,485
Let's see.
When was I on "Intervention"?

64
00:02:31,519 --> 00:02:33,387
Well, your hair's grown back
on the right side,

65
00:02:33,421 --> 00:02:35,889
so I'd say five years.

66
00:02:35,923 --> 00:02:37,291
Hi, I'm Caroline.

67
00:02:37,325 --> 00:02:38,492
I'd wait for Max
to introduce me,

68
00:02:38,526 --> 00:02:39,827
but she usually
tells people

69
00:02:39,860 --> 00:02:43,931
I'm Taylor Swift's
slow cousin Randi.

70
00:02:43,964 --> 00:02:45,399
Nice to meet you.

71
00:02:45,433 --> 00:02:47,735
Max, I did not think
you would still be alive.

72
00:02:47,768 --> 00:02:50,371
I owe you $10.

73
00:02:50,404 --> 00:02:51,472
Becky's an actress.

74
00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:52,806
I just saw her
in "Law and Order."

75
00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:57,411
She owned "deli worker
who barely knew the victim."

76
00:02:57,445 --> 00:02:59,413
Yeah, I've done three
"Law and Orders."

77
00:02:59,447 --> 00:03:00,548
Pretty easy work.

78
00:03:00,581 --> 00:03:02,616
They usually find me
in a trunk.

79
00:03:03,684 --> 00:03:05,353
How do you two
know each other?

80
00:03:05,386 --> 00:03:07,255
Max and I waited
tables together.

81
00:03:07,288 --> 00:03:09,357
Well, mostly stood around
and got drunk,

82
00:03:09,390 --> 00:03:11,559
but they paid us.

83
00:03:11,592 --> 00:03:12,593
Nice shop.

84
00:03:12,626 --> 00:03:14,828
Looks like you guys
have a business together too.

85
00:03:14,862 --> 00:03:15,829
Too?

86
00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:17,365
You two too?

87
00:03:17,398 --> 00:03:19,900
We invented an Uber
just for women.

88
00:03:19,933 --> 00:03:22,436
Boober.

89
00:03:22,470 --> 00:03:23,671
It would've been awesome,

90
00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:27,275
except we didn't have
an app...or a car.

91
00:03:27,308 --> 00:03:28,909
Hey, forget about
this cupcake.

92
00:03:28,942 --> 00:03:30,278
I just got paid.

93
00:03:30,311 --> 00:03:31,679
How about drinks on me?

94
00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:34,415
And by drinks,
I mean one PBR each.

95
00:03:34,448 --> 00:03:36,317
I guess I could do drinks.

96
00:03:36,350 --> 00:03:37,485
Do you mind closing up?
Thanks.

97
00:03:37,518 --> 00:03:38,952
I'll meet you out front.

98
00:03:38,986 --> 00:03:39,953
Awesome.

99
00:03:39,987 --> 00:03:40,954
Nice meeting you, Brandi.

100
00:03:40,988 --> 00:03:42,956
It's Randi!

101
00:03:42,990 --> 00:03:45,959
[rock music]

102
00:03:45,993 --> 00:03:47,795
Hey, Earl, what's shaking?

103
00:03:47,828 --> 00:03:48,829
Max, I'm pushing 80.

104
00:03:48,862 --> 00:03:52,533
The easier question is,
"What isn't shaking?"

105
00:03:53,667 --> 00:03:55,536
Max, where were you last night?

106
00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:58,272
I had to watch "Carson Daly"
alone and say,

107
00:03:58,306 --> 00:04:00,641
"This show's still on?"
to no one.

108
00:04:01,675 --> 00:04:03,344
I crashed on Becky's couch,

109
00:04:03,377 --> 00:04:04,945
of which--
you're not gonna believe this--

110
00:04:04,978 --> 00:04:07,415
she is the first owner.

111
00:04:09,850 --> 00:04:11,719
So did you guys
have fun last night,

112
00:04:11,752 --> 00:04:15,289
or was it weird because
you've grown apart?

113
00:04:15,323 --> 00:04:17,391
Let's just say
we're gonna be in not one,

114
00:04:17,425 --> 00:04:19,460
but two wedding albums.

115
00:04:20,728 --> 00:04:23,397
Becky can dance her some hora.

116
00:04:24,332 --> 00:04:25,533
Fun.

117
00:04:25,566 --> 00:04:28,502
That's so fun
that you had fun.

118
00:04:28,536 --> 00:04:30,738
Uh, what's happening here?

119
00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:34,041
I guess I just
thought we were...

120
00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:35,476
Forget it.

121
00:04:35,509 --> 00:04:36,744
Oh, no, please.

122
00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:38,546
It's like watching a bird
fly into a window

123
00:04:38,579 --> 00:04:40,548
in slow motion.

124
00:04:40,581 --> 00:04:43,384
Well, you know,
I thought we were exclusive,

125
00:04:43,417 --> 00:04:45,018
for lack of a better word.

126
00:04:45,052 --> 00:04:46,954
What, like monogamous?

127
00:04:46,987 --> 00:04:50,090
You thought we were
in a monogamous friendship?

128
00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:53,461
I'm not even monogamous with
the people I'm monogamous with.

129
00:04:54,695 --> 00:04:56,397
What is the big deal?

130
00:04:56,430 --> 00:04:58,632
You had friends before
we were friends.

131
00:04:58,666 --> 00:05:00,568
Bunch of rich bitches.

132
00:05:01,835 --> 00:05:04,738
You guys talking about
that show, "Friends"?

133
00:05:04,772 --> 00:05:07,708
People always say,
"Why was there no black friend?"

134
00:05:07,741 --> 00:05:09,843
Because no reasonable black man

135
00:05:09,877 --> 00:05:12,446
would hang out
with those people.

136
00:05:13,981 --> 00:05:15,949
He's been waiting to get
that off his chest

137
00:05:15,983 --> 00:05:18,619
since the mid-'90s.

138
00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:20,053
You know
what I just realized?

139
00:05:20,087 --> 00:05:23,657
I've never tried to make friends
as a not-rich person.

140
00:05:23,691 --> 00:05:25,426
You made friends with me.

141
00:05:25,459 --> 00:05:26,960
Against my will,
but still.

142
00:05:27,995 --> 00:05:28,962
Guess what I'm doing?

143
00:05:28,996 --> 00:05:33,601
Motivating me to look at resumes
on monster.com?

144
00:05:33,634 --> 00:05:35,068
I'm gonna make a friend
right now.

145
00:05:35,102 --> 00:05:39,072
There's a girl in my section
with clean-ish looking hair.

146
00:05:39,106 --> 00:05:40,107
Speaking of hair,
pick up.

147
00:05:40,140 --> 00:05:41,742
[bell dings]
Cobb salad.

148
00:05:43,711 --> 00:05:46,547
Max, how's this
for my friend-making smile?

149
00:05:48,782 --> 00:05:50,618
Do you have more teeth than me?

150
00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:57,157
Here's you salad.
Dressing on the side.

151
00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:59,527
I'm sort of a "DOS" gal myself.

152
00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:00,528
[chuckles]

153
00:06:00,561 --> 00:06:01,829
Okay.

154
00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:03,030
Thanks.

155
00:06:03,063 --> 00:06:06,834
Maybe we should, I don't know,
grab a couple salads sometime.

156
00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:08,502
The Yelp review
specifically said

157
00:06:08,536 --> 00:06:10,771
I would be ignored
by the waitstaff.

158
00:06:11,805 --> 00:06:13,807
There's hair in your salad.

159
00:06:14,875 --> 00:06:15,976
Excuse me.

160
00:06:16,009 --> 00:06:17,945
The water's supposed
to be that color.

161
00:06:17,978 --> 00:06:19,580
No, no.

162
00:06:19,613 --> 00:06:21,482
I just think it's cool
how brave you were

163
00:06:21,515 --> 00:06:23,183
to put yourself
out there like that.

164
00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:25,653
I haven't been called cool
since I had a black card

165
00:06:25,686 --> 00:06:28,689
and owned 3/4 of an island.

166
00:06:28,722 --> 00:06:29,990
I'm Rachel.
This is Kathy.

167
00:06:30,023 --> 00:06:30,824
I'm Caroline,

168
00:06:30,858 --> 00:06:33,160
and you have no idea
how brave I am.

169
00:06:33,193 --> 00:06:34,895
You should see where I shower.

170
00:06:34,928 --> 00:06:36,630
[both laugh]

171
00:06:36,664 --> 00:06:37,865
She should come
to our party.

172
00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:39,467
She just moved to Williamsburg,

173
00:06:39,500 --> 00:06:40,701
and we're having
a party tomorrow.

174
00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:42,202
- You should come.
- Oh, you know what?

175
00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:46,840
I'm busy tomorrow night because
I'm going to your party!

176
00:06:46,874 --> 00:06:49,042
[laughter]

177
00:06:49,076 --> 00:06:52,446
I've seen people with podcasts
less desperate for approval.

178
00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:53,847
*

179
00:06:57,751 --> 00:07:00,220
Max, I had the most
amazing night.

180
00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:01,989
Me too.
Becky just left.

181
00:07:02,022 --> 00:07:03,524
She has to get up
early tomorrow.

182
00:07:03,557 --> 00:07:05,826
Not to brag,
but she's playing a dead hooker

183
00:07:05,859 --> 00:07:07,761
on "Blue Bloods."

184
00:07:07,795 --> 00:07:10,564
Oh, so she came here
for research.

185
00:07:10,598 --> 00:07:12,866
Anyways, my new friends
Rachel and Kathy

186
00:07:12,900 --> 00:07:16,103
and everybody there
were so warm and positive.

187
00:07:16,136 --> 00:07:17,471
Uh-huh.

188
00:07:17,505 --> 00:07:18,972
It was so refreshing
to be around people

189
00:07:19,006 --> 00:07:20,641
who were super driven
and focused.

190
00:07:20,674 --> 00:07:21,542
Uh-huh.

191
00:07:21,575 --> 00:07:24,244
And we had such interesting
conversations.

192
00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:25,713
Honestly,
after talking to them,

193
00:07:25,746 --> 00:07:28,181
I felt like anything
is possible.

194
00:07:28,215 --> 00:07:30,618
Oh, you guys did molly?

195
00:07:32,052 --> 00:07:34,522
Now I'm jealous.

196
00:07:34,555 --> 00:07:37,024
These people
don't need drugs to be happy.

197
00:07:37,057 --> 00:07:39,092
Oh, so it's a cult.

198
00:07:40,227 --> 00:07:42,029
How did you get cult
from that?

199
00:07:42,062 --> 00:07:43,764
You think the only way
I can make friends

200
00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:45,065
is by joining a cult?

201
00:07:45,098 --> 00:07:46,133
No.

202
00:07:46,166 --> 00:07:47,835
You could also always have gum.

203
00:07:49,236 --> 00:07:50,671
In fact,
they're so nice,

204
00:07:50,704 --> 00:07:52,573
they invited you
to come for the weekend.

205
00:07:52,606 --> 00:07:54,074
- Uh-uh.
- Fresh country air.

206
00:07:54,107 --> 00:07:55,509
- No thanks.
- Gorgeous views.

207
00:07:55,543 --> 00:07:57,010
- Not for me.
- Free food and booze.

208
00:07:57,044 --> 00:07:59,146
I could be in a cult
for the weekend.

209
00:07:59,179 --> 00:08:02,115
[rock music]

210
00:08:02,149 --> 00:08:03,183
*

211
00:08:03,216 --> 00:08:04,918
[Caroline gasps]

212
00:08:04,952 --> 00:08:07,120
This place is amazing.

213
00:08:07,154 --> 00:08:09,590
I know.
Fancy.

214
00:08:09,623 --> 00:08:11,191
And that was
the first bus I've been on

215
00:08:11,224 --> 00:08:13,761
where I didn't see
an under-the-blanket handy.

216
00:08:15,128 --> 00:08:17,598
I'm Topher.
From the bus.

217
00:08:17,631 --> 00:08:21,001
You were throwing
sunflower seeds in my hair.

218
00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:23,170
This is Lady Marmalade.

219
00:08:23,203 --> 00:08:25,539
People named Topher
shouldn't be allowed

220
00:08:25,573 --> 00:08:28,175
to name other living things.

221
00:08:28,208 --> 00:08:29,276
Please don't make fun of her.

222
00:08:29,309 --> 00:08:31,144
She has seasonal depression.

223
00:08:31,178 --> 00:08:32,946
We both do.

224
00:08:34,582 --> 00:08:37,284
Hey, Caroline,
I'm so glad you could come.

225
00:08:37,317 --> 00:08:38,285
And you must be...

226
00:08:38,318 --> 00:08:40,654
Starving.

227
00:08:40,688 --> 00:08:42,956
Just give me the tray.

228
00:08:42,990 --> 00:08:43,991
[laughs]

229
00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:45,158
This is Max.

230
00:08:45,192 --> 00:08:47,127
Thank you so much
for inviting us.

231
00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:50,664
Yeah, the last invitation we got
was to audition for porn.

232
00:08:51,899 --> 00:08:52,700
Less of an invitation;

233
00:08:52,733 --> 00:08:56,269
more of a shout
from a convertible.

234
00:08:56,303 --> 00:08:58,639
"You girls want to do porn?"

235
00:09:00,808 --> 00:09:03,010
Well, Elaine will
be out in a minute,

236
00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:06,213
so in the meantime,
just be your awesome self.

237
00:09:06,246 --> 00:09:07,581
Isn't she great?

238
00:09:07,615 --> 00:09:09,650
So see?
It's nice here.

239
00:09:09,683 --> 00:09:11,118
And you thought it was a cult.

240
00:09:11,151 --> 00:09:14,855
I also thought peanuts never
touched the eggs at the diner,

241
00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:16,790
but then that lady died.

242
00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:19,960
Welcome, everyone.

243
00:09:19,993 --> 00:09:21,294
(all)
Hi, Elaine.

244
00:09:21,328 --> 00:09:24,231
There are only two rules
in this house:

245
00:09:24,264 --> 00:09:25,733
love one another

246
00:09:25,766 --> 00:09:27,134
and don't talk to the neighbors.

247
00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:28,769
I hate them.

248
00:09:31,772 --> 00:09:34,007
I'm so glad
you all could make it.

249
00:09:34,041 --> 00:09:35,075
Oh, except Jerry.

250
00:09:35,108 --> 00:09:36,744
He's getting Lasik.

251
00:09:36,777 --> 00:09:39,079
He should've listened.
I told him to eat more kale.

252
00:09:39,112 --> 00:09:41,281
Kale is good for the eyes.

253
00:09:41,314 --> 00:09:42,282
[laughing]
Okay.

254
00:09:42,315 --> 00:09:44,184
Now make yourselves at home.

255
00:09:44,217 --> 00:09:45,653
You mean don't pay our rent

256
00:09:45,686 --> 00:09:47,721
and hide every time
we hear someone in the hall?

257
00:09:48,789 --> 00:09:51,091
Elaine,
this is Caroline,

258
00:09:51,124 --> 00:09:52,259
our new friend.

259
00:09:52,292 --> 00:09:53,761
Hello, Caroline.

260
00:09:53,794 --> 00:09:55,629
I've heard
so many wonderful things.

261
00:09:55,663 --> 00:09:57,397
And you are?

262
00:09:57,430 --> 00:10:00,033
Looking for
some dipping sauces.

263
00:10:00,067 --> 00:10:01,301
I'm Max.

264
00:10:01,334 --> 00:10:04,237
A lady who knows what she wants.
I like that.

265
00:10:04,271 --> 00:10:06,139
My ex-husband
knew what he wanted:

266
00:10:06,173 --> 00:10:08,141
to be a woman.

267
00:10:08,175 --> 00:10:10,377
And now he is.

268
00:10:10,410 --> 00:10:12,880
I miss her.

269
00:10:12,913 --> 00:10:15,382
And all my shoes.

270
00:10:15,415 --> 00:10:16,950
I hear you, sister.

271
00:10:16,984 --> 00:10:19,219
But seriously, something
like a honey mustard

272
00:10:19,252 --> 00:10:22,089
or really anything
in the Dijon world.

273
00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:24,157
Whoo, she's a tough nut.

274
00:10:24,191 --> 00:10:25,859
My favorite kind.

275
00:10:25,893 --> 00:10:27,795
Except for cashews.

276
00:10:30,063 --> 00:10:31,899
Max, Elaine is amazing.

277
00:10:31,932 --> 00:10:32,900
Look around.

278
00:10:32,933 --> 00:10:35,168
This is my new
social circle.

279
00:10:35,202 --> 00:10:36,704
This is the saddest
circle I've seen

280
00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:40,240
since my mom peed
on the floor at Wal-Mart.

281
00:10:40,273 --> 00:10:42,309
Can you just admit
it's not a cult?

282
00:10:42,342 --> 00:10:44,011
Everyone gather 'round.

283
00:10:44,044 --> 00:10:47,247
Let's have some
mutual eye contact.

284
00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:49,449
That's nice.
That's just being a person.

285
00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:51,685
Look to the person
next to you,

286
00:10:51,719 --> 00:10:54,988
and open the door to them
with your eyes.

287
00:10:55,022 --> 00:10:56,990
Bitch, that door is locked.

288
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:01,729
Nicely done.

289
00:11:01,762 --> 00:11:02,963
All right, everyone.

290
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:05,432
I'd like us
to recite our mantra.

291
00:11:05,465 --> 00:11:08,736
My best is my best,
and that's why I'm blessed.

292
00:11:08,769 --> 00:11:10,704
(all)
My best is my best,

293
00:11:10,738 --> 00:11:12,339
and that's why I'm blessed.

294
00:11:12,372 --> 00:11:14,341
Don't mumble, Connie.

295
00:11:14,374 --> 00:11:16,143
(all)
My best is my best,

296
00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:17,745
and that's why I'm blessed.

297
00:11:17,778 --> 00:11:20,313
Okay, it's a cult.

298
00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:22,315
Little bit.

299
00:11:22,349 --> 00:11:23,851
(all)
My best is my best,

300
00:11:23,884 --> 00:11:26,019
and that's why I'm blessed.

301
00:11:26,053 --> 00:11:28,221
*

302
00:11:28,255 --> 00:11:29,456
All right, everyone.

303
00:11:29,489 --> 00:11:31,424
Let the sound of the bowls
wash over you,

304
00:11:31,458 --> 00:11:33,293
cleansing you
from head to toe

305
00:11:33,326 --> 00:11:35,128
and everywhere
in-between.

306
00:11:36,463 --> 00:11:39,933
These bowls got their work
cut out for them.

307
00:11:39,967 --> 00:11:43,303
Everyone, close your eyes
and quiet the mind,

308
00:11:43,336 --> 00:11:46,039
and receive
the healing vibrations.

309
00:11:46,073 --> 00:11:48,308
Sound bathe us, Eugene.

310
00:11:48,341 --> 00:11:51,444
[bowls ringing]

311
00:11:53,313 --> 00:11:56,049
When you feel called
to join the bowls,

312
00:11:56,083 --> 00:11:58,018
begin with a soft...

313
00:11:58,051 --> 00:11:59,519
[hums]

314
00:11:59,552 --> 00:12:00,888
[all humming]

315
00:12:00,921 --> 00:12:03,390
I usually begin
with a soft hummer.

316
00:12:03,423 --> 00:12:04,892
[laughs]

317
00:12:06,994 --> 00:12:08,461
[mimicking humming]
How are we gonna

318
00:12:08,495 --> 00:12:11,198
get out of this?

319
00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:13,033
Let's just call it what it is:

320
00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:16,303
a cult.

321
00:12:16,336 --> 00:12:19,539
[mimicking humming]
I'm not going anywhere

322
00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:22,943
until I see
what's in those bowls.

323
00:12:24,511 --> 00:12:27,447
I'm hoping
for fettuccini.

324
00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:31,785
I hope it's not fettuccini

325
00:12:31,819 --> 00:12:36,056
because I really don't like
cream-based sauces.

326
00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:36,890
Do you mind?

327
00:12:36,924 --> 00:12:39,192
This is important
for Lady Marmalade.

328
00:12:39,226 --> 00:12:41,228
She has fibromyalgia.

329
00:12:42,529 --> 00:12:45,966
Fibromyalgia
and seasonal depression?

330
00:12:45,999 --> 00:12:48,201
You really won
the dog lottery.

331
00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:51,538
All right, everyone.

332
00:12:51,571 --> 00:12:53,506
You may gently
bring your energy

333
00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:56,076
back into the room

334
00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:58,378
whenever you feel ready.

335
00:12:58,411 --> 00:13:01,181
[gong clangs]

336
00:13:01,214 --> 00:13:02,883
We got to get out of here.

337
00:13:02,916 --> 00:13:05,052
What are we gonna do?
We're in the middle of nowhere.

338
00:13:05,085 --> 00:13:07,120
You know what would
save the day right now?

339
00:13:07,154 --> 00:13:08,488
Boober.

340
00:13:10,557 --> 00:13:12,125
- Caroline.
- Hmm?

341
00:13:12,159 --> 00:13:15,062
Did anything come up for you
during the sound bath?

342
00:13:15,095 --> 00:13:18,431
A little bit of the chicken
satay, but all good.

343
00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:20,333
Max, how are you?

344
00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:21,568
Were you touched at all?

345
00:13:21,601 --> 00:13:25,472
In high school,
I was touched by an angel.

346
00:13:25,505 --> 00:13:26,940
Well, technically,
his name was...

347
00:13:26,974 --> 00:13:28,942
[in Spanish accent]
Angel.

348
00:13:28,976 --> 00:13:30,043
Oh-ho.

349
00:13:30,077 --> 00:13:33,113
I know this probably
all seems like a lot of hooey,

350
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:36,516
but I assure you you'll wake up
feeling refreshed.

351
00:13:36,549 --> 00:13:40,053
And Eugene makes
a hell of a pancake breakfast.

352
00:13:40,087 --> 00:13:42,555
He uses ricotta.

353
00:13:42,589 --> 00:13:44,892
We're staying.

354
00:13:44,925 --> 00:13:47,060
I mean, ricotta?
We gotta.

355
00:13:47,094 --> 00:13:48,561
I guess so.

356
00:13:48,595 --> 00:13:51,031
It'll be like
staying at a B and B

357
00:13:51,064 --> 00:13:54,367
run by a lame
Ron Hubbard.

358
00:13:54,401 --> 00:13:56,036
Goodnight, everyone.

359
00:13:56,069 --> 00:13:58,205
Rachel has your
room assignments.

360
00:13:59,506 --> 00:14:01,508
Caroline, you're
sharing a room with me.

361
00:14:01,541 --> 00:14:03,310
Yay.

362
00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:07,247
Max, you're sharing a room
with Topher and Lady Marmalade.

363
00:14:13,253 --> 00:14:14,888
[scoffs]

364
00:14:14,922 --> 00:14:17,624
Can I ever get
a good roommate?

365
00:14:17,657 --> 00:14:19,426
And do not fear.

366
00:14:19,459 --> 00:14:22,595
Before the night is over,
each of you will have a chance

367
00:14:22,629 --> 00:14:24,932
to make love with me.

368
00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:31,038
And the rest of the satay
just came up.

369
00:14:31,071 --> 00:14:34,874
Before the sunrise,
our moons will unite.

370
00:14:36,977 --> 00:14:39,479
Well, I'm guessing
her moon's not waxed.

371
00:14:39,512 --> 00:14:42,349
*

372
00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:43,516
[whispering]
Caroline.

373
00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:44,918
Caroline.

374
00:14:44,952 --> 00:14:46,619
Caroline,
where are you?

375
00:14:46,653 --> 00:14:48,155
Caroline?

376
00:14:48,188 --> 00:14:49,556
[knocking]

377
00:14:51,524 --> 00:14:54,461
I thought you were
gonna be Elaine...

378
00:14:54,494 --> 00:14:56,363
and I'm not drunk enough
for that!

379
00:14:56,396 --> 00:15:00,133
By the way, the piglet's
popping the snout out.

380
00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:03,903
[knocking]

381
00:15:05,072 --> 00:15:07,274
Oh, I thought you
were gonna be Elaine.

382
00:15:07,307 --> 00:15:09,176
And I thought
I was gonna be dead at 14,

383
00:15:09,209 --> 00:15:11,144
but you can't always
get what you want.

384
00:15:12,512 --> 00:15:14,081
Max!

385
00:15:14,114 --> 00:15:16,183
Max, oh, my God.
Are you okay?

386
00:15:16,216 --> 00:15:18,118
Please tell me Elaine
didn't get to you.

387
00:15:18,151 --> 00:15:20,220
I could never live with myself.

388
00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:21,955
Or you.

389
00:15:22,655 --> 00:15:24,091
[Elaine chuckles]

390
00:15:24,124 --> 00:15:26,559
I'm sorry it took me so long
to climax.

391
00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:29,997
I know I was almost there
for quite some time.

392
00:15:31,298 --> 00:15:34,101
Max, Caroline,
what are you doing out here?

393
00:15:35,002 --> 00:15:36,970
We were just
anxiously awaiting

394
00:15:37,004 --> 00:15:39,439
intercourse with you.

395
00:15:39,472 --> 00:15:41,074
Really?

396
00:15:41,108 --> 00:15:43,010
'Cause unless that bag's
full of marital aids,

397
00:15:43,043 --> 00:15:45,012
it looks like you're trying
to sneak out.

398
00:15:45,778 --> 00:15:47,147
Look, Elaine,

399
00:15:47,180 --> 00:15:49,349
this is all a lot,
and no offense,

400
00:15:49,382 --> 00:15:51,051
but you can't
be the first person

401
00:15:51,084 --> 00:15:53,620
I have sex with this year.

402
00:15:53,653 --> 00:15:57,057
I understand that you're both
feeling a little overwhelmed,

403
00:15:57,090 --> 00:15:59,559
but before you go, why don't we
discuss this as a group

404
00:15:59,592 --> 00:16:00,727
in a healing way?

405
00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:02,595
All right, Eugene,
stay where you are.

406
00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:03,763
You need some rest.

407
00:16:03,796 --> 00:16:05,365
Maybe a little protein.

408
00:16:05,398 --> 00:16:07,967
*

409
00:16:12,105 --> 00:16:14,107
So you know what?
We're just gonna go.

410
00:16:14,141 --> 00:16:15,775
You can tell
that guy at the door

411
00:16:15,808 --> 00:16:18,045
he can just step aside
so we can, you know,

412
00:16:18,078 --> 00:16:20,113
start running.

413
00:16:20,147 --> 00:16:22,582
Caroline, you are
free to go at any time.

414
00:16:22,615 --> 00:16:24,151
So we can go right now?

415
00:16:24,184 --> 00:16:25,485
No.

416
00:16:25,518 --> 00:16:28,221
Caroline, why don't you
sit here, and Rachel,

417
00:16:28,255 --> 00:16:31,424
bring Max over by the gong.

418
00:16:31,458 --> 00:16:35,462
Siri, remind me
to patent a gong bong.

419
00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:38,198
Also remind me
to get a phone with Siri.

420
00:16:39,632 --> 00:16:43,770
Now, I know some of you have not
yet laid with me tonight...

421
00:16:46,106 --> 00:16:47,374
But it's come to my attention

422
00:16:47,407 --> 00:16:49,242
that we have an N.N.
in our midst.

423
00:16:49,276 --> 00:16:50,077
[all gasp]

424
00:16:50,110 --> 00:16:51,078
- What?
- Who?

425
00:16:51,111 --> 00:16:53,446
Quick Q on the N.N.

426
00:16:53,480 --> 00:16:56,549
Do either of those Ns
stand for nachos?

427
00:16:57,850 --> 00:17:00,387
N.N. stands for Negative Nelly.

428
00:17:00,420 --> 00:17:02,489
Negative Nancy
was already trademarked

429
00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:06,193
by another group
run by my ex-husband, Nancy.

430
00:17:08,161 --> 00:17:12,265
Caroline, do you have any idea
who this N.N. could be?

431
00:17:12,299 --> 00:17:17,137
I believe it's "whom"
and no, I don't.

432
00:17:17,170 --> 00:17:19,506
Caroline, are you
where you want to be in life?

433
00:17:19,539 --> 00:17:21,574
Oh, God, no.

434
00:17:21,608 --> 00:17:26,079
And would you say there's
someone holding you back?

435
00:17:27,414 --> 00:17:28,248
Well, I do feel like

436
00:17:28,281 --> 00:17:30,783
hearing about Amy Schumer
every day

437
00:17:30,817 --> 00:17:34,254
makes me feel
a little "less than."

438
00:17:34,287 --> 00:17:36,689
Caroline,
is there someone in this room

439
00:17:36,723 --> 00:17:41,528
who you brought
with brown hair

440
00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:43,263
whose Negative Nelly-ness

441
00:17:43,296 --> 00:17:47,567
is blocking you
in ways you don't even realize?

442
00:17:48,601 --> 00:17:51,871
Wait a minute.

443
00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:54,607
I'm starting to think
this is about me.

444
00:17:54,641 --> 00:17:58,311
Just having spent
a few short hours with Max

445
00:17:58,345 --> 00:18:01,114
and recording
all your conversations...

446
00:18:02,682 --> 00:18:04,184
It's pretty clear

447
00:18:04,217 --> 00:18:06,419
that she is undermining
your path to success

448
00:18:06,453 --> 00:18:08,855
with her wisecracks
and wordplay.

449
00:18:08,888 --> 00:18:10,257
Look.

450
00:18:10,290 --> 00:18:14,527
Max might seem negative,
because she is,

451
00:18:14,561 --> 00:18:16,463
but you would be, too,
if you were her.

452
00:18:16,496 --> 00:18:21,134
She's been neglected, rejected,
knocked down, and spat on.

453
00:18:21,168 --> 00:18:23,836
Some of that was consensual.

454
00:18:23,870 --> 00:18:24,837
See?

455
00:18:24,871 --> 00:18:27,240
That was positive.

456
00:18:27,274 --> 00:18:29,676
So you will give up all these
potential connections

457
00:18:29,709 --> 00:18:31,144
just for her?

458
00:18:31,178 --> 00:18:34,214
Caroline, I used to
live in Jersey City,

459
00:18:34,247 --> 00:18:37,617
and now I live in a better
part of New Jersey.

460
00:18:39,319 --> 00:18:41,688
Elaine, I thought I needed
to make new friends,

461
00:18:41,721 --> 00:18:42,922
and that's how I wound up here,

462
00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:45,792
but turns out
all I needed was Max.

463
00:18:45,825 --> 00:18:47,660
I'll take my chances with her.

464
00:18:47,694 --> 00:18:49,596
[chuckles]
Huge mistake.

465
00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:51,864
Huge.

466
00:18:51,898 --> 00:18:53,700
Well, then you're free to go.

467
00:18:53,733 --> 00:18:55,502
Just need to settle up
your bill.

468
00:18:55,535 --> 00:18:58,338
This weekend is only free
for friends.

469
00:18:58,371 --> 00:18:59,706
Rachel.

470
00:18:59,739 --> 00:19:03,443
I ate $700 worth
of shrimp?

471
00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:07,714
That seems about right.

472
00:19:07,747 --> 00:19:09,316
We can't pay that.

473
00:19:09,349 --> 00:19:12,252
Is there a ship we can scrub?

474
00:19:12,285 --> 00:19:15,755
Or a gay celebrity
we can marry?

475
00:19:15,788 --> 00:19:18,491
Don't worry.
I'll settle up with Elaine.

476
00:19:18,525 --> 00:19:22,262
Do you accept
nature's credit card?

477
00:19:24,631 --> 00:19:25,965
Get out.

478
00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:31,238
*

479
00:19:31,271 --> 00:19:33,740
(Caroline)
I can't believe the only way
I can make a friend

480
00:19:33,773 --> 00:19:35,575
is to join a cult.

481
00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:38,378
(Max)
Well, you made friends with me,
and I'm not in a cult...

482
00:19:38,411 --> 00:19:39,746
anymore.

483
00:19:39,779 --> 00:19:43,616
(Caroline)
Max, are you and I gonna be like
you and Becky someday?

484
00:19:43,650 --> 00:19:45,852
(Max)
Not unless one of us gets
really, really,

485
00:19:45,885 --> 00:19:48,455
I mean, so much cooler.

486
00:19:48,488 --> 00:19:50,257
(Caroline)
I'm serious.

487
00:19:50,290 --> 00:19:52,925
Am I gonna be just some waitress
you used to know?

488
00:19:52,959 --> 00:19:54,427
'Cause that would kill me.

489
00:19:54,461 --> 00:19:55,662
[Max sighs]

490
00:19:55,695 --> 00:19:57,464
(Max)
I don't think of you
that way at all.

491
00:19:57,497 --> 00:19:59,532
- Aww.
- I mean as a waitress.

492
00:19:59,566 --> 00:20:01,534
(Max)
Look, yes,
Becky and I worked together,

493
00:20:01,568 --> 00:20:03,503
and yes, we had kind of
a business dream, too,

494
00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:05,972
but you and I have so much more
than that.

495
00:20:06,005 --> 00:20:08,541
You and I are about to die
in the woods.

496
00:20:08,575 --> 00:20:09,942
Look.

497
00:20:09,976 --> 00:20:11,411
(Caroline)
We are getting in that car

498
00:20:11,444 --> 00:20:14,947
even if this guy
has a hook for a hand.

499
00:20:14,981 --> 00:20:16,383
(Oleg)
Wazzup?

500
00:20:16,416 --> 00:20:18,017
(Sophie)
Hey, girls.

501
00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:20,253
(Caroline)
I never thought
I'd be happy to see Oleg

502
00:20:20,287 --> 00:20:21,821
on a dark road at night.

503
00:20:21,854 --> 00:20:24,491
Sophie, what are you guys
doing here?

504
00:20:24,524 --> 00:20:27,427
Oh, well, Max texted me
her location.

505
00:20:27,460 --> 00:20:29,562
Said if I didn't
hear back from her,

506
00:20:29,596 --> 00:20:33,333
you'd been abducted by the cult
and to come rescue you.

507
00:20:33,366 --> 00:20:35,001
I was in a cult once.

508
00:20:35,034 --> 00:20:36,969
It's called Avon.

509
00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:43,810
So you were so certain
I couldn't make a normal friend

510
00:20:43,843 --> 00:20:45,578
you had an escape plan?

511
00:20:45,612 --> 00:20:47,980
Hey, sometimes
my negativity pays off.

512
00:20:48,014 --> 00:20:50,583
Sometimes it gets me
in mall jail.

513
00:20:50,617 --> 00:20:56,289
*